Solution to the Contraception Mandate

President Obama has gotten himself into quite a pickle.  He has alienated every Catholic Bishop in the United States with his mandate that every entity with employees, and all individuals purchase insurance, and that all health insurance cover contraception.  The Catholic Church teaches that contraception is wrong.  You can read Humanae Vitae to find out why.  The Catholic Church also teaches that cooperation with a morally wrong act is also morally wrong.  Therefore, Catholics and Catholic organizations cannot comply with Obama’s mandate that they pay for contraception.

Catholics have decided to act on this, and have dedicated a “Fortnight of Freedom” in protest.  Liberals are calling for the punishment of anyone who doesn’t comply.  Pesky Catholics.  It would serve them right.  Perhaps recalling the Cristero War in Mexico, Obama has now offered a solution that should be pleasing to Catholics.

Homosexuals do not require contraception because they do no conceive when they commit sodomy on each other.  Henceforth, only homosexual intercourse will be permitted.  This will eliminate the need for contraception, and so health insurance will have no need to provide coverage for contraception.  This will not only solve Catholic objections to having to pay for contraception.  It will also lower health care costs by eliminating the need for obstetrics, pediatrics, fertility services, and many gynecological and urological services, as well as the cost of contraception.  Educational costs will eventually disappear as the youngest children today move through the school systems to graduation and college.  This might upset the powerful teachers unions, but this can be managed through natural attrition and not allowing new teachers.  Existing teachers will retire as student enrollment drops.

Because there will be no heterosexual intercourse allowed, there will be no need for the state to recognize heterosexual marriage as an institution for protecting children and families.  In fact, it shall be prohibited.  This will also solve the gay marriage controversy, because no one will be permitted to marry.  So in one fell swoop, Obama will solve the controversies surrounding contraception, rising health care costs, and gay marriage.

Now there will be some people who insist on heterosexual intercourse and the horrendous costs it imposes on society in the form of health care and educational costs.  Because the societal costs of heterosexual intercourse and marriage exceed the cost of the destruction of the World Trade Center, they shall be considered terrorists and incarcerated without trial until it can be assured that they pose no further threat to society.  Good riddance!  But knowing those pesky Catholics, they’ll probably complain about this solution too.  You just can’t make them happy.


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